In the darkness last night, I was wondering, "what the hell happened to me?" I guess that requires some sort of clarification in that I was thinking of who I used to be before I had kids, a decent job; yanno, responsibilities. It's not that I don't love my younguns, but it's also about loving yourself too--having enough for you left over at the end of the day so you don't end up a self-imposed martyr wondering, "WTF do I do now that the kids are grown and gone?"
I think I remember but it's almost like I remember it happening to someone else. Pictures from that time in my life are a warm reminder but as I look at myself and friends I wonder, "What happened to that girl?" I remember living on Diet Pepsi and Oreo's, nightly slumber of 2-3 hours a night to cite a couple of things. Mostly I remember not feeling like I'm getting older, yanno? In my heart, I feel like I am in my 20's... as they say, the mind is willing but the body ain't able. I looked at my hand the other day and I noticed an age spot for the love of Christ. I don't have gray hair, I don't have many wrinkles (or ::ahem:: laugh lines).. but I have an age spots?!! I got to thinking that here I am at 40 years old; don't feel it for the most and I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I've got another 30 years before I'm taking the eternal dirt nap. I don't know what the next 30 years hold for me- time keeps slipping away from me as fast I try to slow it down alittle. I've still got shit to do yet and basically nothing that has anything to do with my day job. Here's what I've left to do:
1.) Write a book (albeit it has to be a GOOD book);
2.) I want to work the drive-thru at McDonalds for about 15 minutes (just to wear the "cool" looking headgear and perma-stained polyester, piss people off by mumbling and tell them shit like we're out of fries today. I figure 15 minutes may be alittle too long, but it may be kinda fun while it lasts).
3.) I want to go (and actually matriculate) from grad school.
4.) I want to be loved as I love someone. Since I've already mastered my own domain, I'm looking for greener pastures and new hills to conquer.
5.) I want to look like one of those people who have absolutely nothing better to do than to work out and lay by the pool being all hedonistic and self-indulgent. I don't even remember when the last time I was in the bathroom by myself without someone accompanying me or knocking on the door. Hedonism would be a relative novelty at this point.

These are some of the things I've yet to do... but what of you? What have you left to do?

Labels: What happened?